You just got to let it go, girl. That’s the way things are. It isn’t going to get better. You’re not anything special and you’re not beautiful. Is that a tear? Yes, you’re crying. Wake up to yourself. This isn’t how it ends. It can’t be. Be strong, you fool! How can I be strong without him? Don’t you remember, Amber? Don’t  you remember how it was? He used to tell you that you were the only one, his only one. Step, step, pause. Step, step, pause. That was the walk. It should have been my walk but it wasn’t.

I thought back, he was so happy. I remember his smile, he was so happy and the way he made me feel. I liked it when he’d stay with me. Remember that time Amber? Remember when you were crying and no one wanted to be with you? I remember, he took a loaf of bread and told you, “Look I know you’re in a lot of pain, but I can assure you in a few seconds I will be as well.” Yeah, not many people do that just to try and cheer someone up. But he got you, didn’t he? The second he hit the ground you laughed and forgot everything. You need him now, don’t you? Yes, you… yes I do. I, Amber need him.

Do you remember when you were still in school together, after the bread when he asked you out for the first time? He ran on stage in the middle of assembly and despite what everyone said he grabbed the microphone and sung ‘I want to love somebody like you’. Remember how he had organised it for Friday? Then he couldn’t go because he had a detention for disrupting assembly. When you went out finally you just sat and held hands in the coffee store. Remember that? You were having black coffee and your hair got stuck in it so he sucked out the coffee  saying it was a waste.

Remember when he hooked you up with that job? Where was it; Down at Tony’s Fish ‘n’ Chips? You took your first paycheck and spent it on chocolates for him, and then when you got home he had bought you the same box to celebrate your new job. Step, Step, Pause. Step, Step, Pause. You spent the entire night watching ‘Moulin Rouge’ together. It had just come out on DVD, he’d bought it for you because it was what you went to see the first time you kissed. He was so sweet then. He was so sweet.

The church has nothing in it. Just the solemn sound of black shoes. Step, Step, Pause. He said he wanted that. He had picked out the suit, remember? You helped him pick it out. He had been saying he didn’t want to wear a black suit, it was too depressing; He wanted to wear white. You agreed with him Amber, you agreed to it. How could you accept any of this? You picked the tie yourself. It had Kermit the frog on it. He always loved Kermit. You bought him the Muppet Show toys. Remember? Do you remember? I remember, Yes, they’re in the box now, with all the other things. Going away, away with him.

Remember the last time he was with you? All the family was there. I wish he didn’t have such a big family. He was in the bedroom and trying to sleep. Everyone was saying they’d miss him. Everyone was saying they’d wanted to see him again soon. He was crying that day. You could hear him in the kitchen when he cracked. He just snapped. But do you remember when you entered the room? He was standing, he was actually standing, I hadn’t seen him stand in so long. I’d forgotten he could. He pointed at his own mother and told her that she had to leave and take everyone outside. He said he wanted to spend time with his family. He wanted to spend time with me, the one he loved enough to be his wife. In that moment, him standing there bald from radiation and face as red as a beetroot, I loved him. I truly loved him. Didn’t I? Yes…

For the last time I was alone with him. I held him. Step, Step, Pause. He was there in my arms and I could not do anything but hear him. Step, Step, Pause. “Remember Amber, when I’m gone, your heart is too beautiful to ever be shadowed by something like this.” Step, Step, Pause.  “Remember that I love you but remember to move on...” The rest I’ll save… Step, Step, Pause. The coffin moved down the isle. Step, Step, Pause. He couldn’t move, when I’d woken up he wasn’t breathing. Step, Step, Pause. The funeral march echoing the beating of my fists on his chest as I screamed. Step, Step, Pause. Do you remember? Do you remember his final words? “…you just got to let it go, girl. That’s the way things are. It is going to get better.”



              -Thomas J Bulle-
For Anyone who has lost a loved one due to cancer